|Kill The Hippy|
Earth & The Conspiracy
Why The Greys Are In England
..........The Grey Character
Possible Player Characters
Common Organisations For "Day Jobs"
..........MI5 (The Security Service)
..........MI6 (The Secret Intelligence Service)
..........The Gas Board
..........Royal Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals (RSPCA)
Starting The Scenario
..........Mr Jones (Grey Ambassador)
..........Mrs Jones (Wife)
..........Shannon Jones (Daughter)
..........Tweedledum & Tweedledee (Psychic Interpreters)
..........Basil & Sybil Hawthorne
..........Peter Griffiths (Owner-Manager Of Much Wenlock Holidays)
..........Mr Sharma (Take-Away Restaurant Owner)
..........Divinda "Divvy" Sharma (Delivery Boy)
..........Mr Sandhu (Restaurant Owner)
..........Mrs Pettigrew (Shop Owner)
..........Jenny Simpson (TV Researcher)
..........Pat & Lorraine O'Hara
..........Mrs Olive Dawson
..........Moonbeam's VW Van
..........The Bull & Goat
..........Much Wenlock Holidays
Tasks / Objectives
..........Delivering The Card Table
.......... Preventing Jenny Simpson From Talking To Shannon
..........Stopping The Armed Robbers
..........Hoodwinking The TV Detector Men
The UFO Landing
.......... The Close Encounter of the Third Kind
..........The Card Table
..........If The Player Characters Start Some Trouble
The Card Game
The Armed Robbery
The TV License Detector Van
Earth & The Conspiracy
Aliens are here, on Earth, and a world-wide conspiracy exists to hide this fact from us, the public. It is tolerated by some governments, actively supported by others, opposed by a few. What the aliens long-term purpose might be is not known. All that is known is that there are two races of aliens, the "Greys" and the "Venusians", who for millennia have been locked in a bitter cold war, and who have both created bases on our world.
The Venusians were so named because early UFO watchers believed they were from Venus. This was, of course, complete crap, but the name has stuck - not least because the Venusians themselves think it sounds cool.
The Venusians are almost indistinguishable to humans, standing around six feet tall and having blond, nordic features. They are rumoured to be good lovers.
The Venusians have chosen to establish their primary Earth base in California. This is partly because that region is home to most of the planet's high-tech industry, but mostly because they like the lifestyle.
They play no direct part in this scenario but could be thrown in as an additional element.
The Greys are so named because of their appearance. They are short, with grey hairless skin, and enlarged heads. Basically, they are the typical "ET" stereotype, but not so cute. They are rumoured to be truly crap lovers.
The Greys have a more difficult time blending into human society, both because of their appearance, and their inability to speak (they communicate telepathically, but very few humans have this ability). They can hear very well (far better than humans).
The Greys have established their primary base in England.
WHY THE GREYS ARE IN ENGLAND
A Grey walking down a street in an American city is likely to be accosted by hoards of people saying: "Hey guy! You're three feet tall, got grey skin, huge black eyes and a tear-drop shaped head. How come?" In England this behaviour would be regarded as rude and unseemly.
Most Englishmen would say that if a chap wants to walk around being three feet tall with grey skin, huge black eyes and a teardrop shaped head, that, surely, is his own business and nobody else's. To inquire as to why would be impolite and intrusive.
In addition, Greys know not to stand two-abreast on escalators, and don't shout in public places, both of which are characteristics appreciated by the English.
THE GREY CHARACTER
Greys are quiet and polite and generally unemotional. They do have one passion however - vivisection. Vivisection is by far the most popular hobby on their home world, with many magazines and television programs devoted to it.
(Why? They're aliens. Who can say.)
In fact, vivisection is so popular that tour companies organise trips to primitive planets (such as Earth) where guests can perform "experiments" on natives specially captured for the occasion.
Possible Player Characters
The player characters should be members of the conspiracy, albeit at a low level (because then you, the GM, can get loads of high-level people to shit on them from a great height).
The conspiracy usually recruits people whose "day jobs" give them some power and influence. These day jobs are usually within some governmental organisation, but it has been known for people working within the commercial sector to be recruited.
Agents recruited into the conspiracy continue in their day jobs. They are expected to perform their duties for the conspiracy in addition to any duties their regular positions may give them, either by working in their own time, or by goofing off for long "lunches".
Common Organisations For "Day Jobs"
MI5 (THE SECURITY SERVICE)
MI5 is responsible for internal security. This used to mean defending against Soviet spying. However, since the end of the Cold War it has moved into the areas of political subversion and terrorism. MI5 agents are able to (allegedly) break into homes and offices, put wire-taps on phones, plant bugs and generally snoop around.
MI6 (THE SECRET INTELLIGENCE SERVICE)
This is James Bond's mob. MI6, whose leader is generally referred to as "C", is responsible for intelligence on foreign powers, e.g. spying. MI6 agents supposedly have access to lots of nice gadgets and information.
Special Branch is the department within the police force responsible for combating politically motivated crime - basically subversion and terrorism. This of course brings it nicely into conflict with MI5.
Special Branch officers can basically do the same thing as MI5 agents, with the additional benefit of (being policeman) knowing exactly which laws they are breaking.
THE GAS BOARD
The Gas Board has now been broken up into a number of separate, commercial companies, which are not listed here for reasons of taste, fairness and a desire to avoid lawsuits.
Gas board inspectors can enter premises to check the safety of gas appliances.
Occasionally in the evening news there will be a story describing about how a home was totally destroyed in an explosion, killing its occupants, but police believe that it was merely a gas explosion rather than any criminal act.
We leave you to draw your own conclusions as to why a player character might want to be a gas board inspector.
ROYAL SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS (RSPCA)
RSPCA inspectors travel around in vans checking reports of animal cruelty that have been submitted by members of the public.
Starting The Scenario
Each player character is contacted on the previous day (Friday) by his or her handler. The method can be a direct face to face meeting, email, telephone message, dead-letter drop or whatever method is normally used.
The character will be told that they are to report to a private house called The Oaks just outside the village of Much Wenlock at 11am, along with a number of other individuals. They are to spend the rest of the day acting as assistants and bodyguards to a Mr Jones. Upon arriving they will be met by an individual named Tweedledum who will give them instructions.
Tweedledum will explain that a card table is being delivered from the homeworld to the Satan's Maidens stone circle at 6 pm. He will explain that the delivery crew would like to be greeted with some strong curry and lager (see below for more information).
The characters will have to figure out the rest as they go along.
Much Wenlock is a village in Berkshire on the A4 road. The nearest big town is about ten miles away.
Note:- Don't worry too much about where things are in relation to each other. It's not particularly important. Just assume that the characters can get hold of atlases and so on (unless they really don't bother, in which case you can have fun by getting them lost).
MR JONES (GREY AMBASSADOR)
Mr Jones (this is, of course, his fake earth name) is the chief Grey ambassador to the United Kingdom and de-facto leader of the Grey forces on Earth.
MRS JONES (WIFE)
Mrs Jones (earth name) is a shy, retiring Grey, who never wanted to leave her home world. However, now that her husband's job has taken her to Earth she is determined to make the best of it.
She spends most of her time in the house or the garden (her pride and joy). However, each morning she goes to the Hawthorne's for coffee with Sybil, and then drives (in her blue Rover Mini) to the Village shop to stock up on provisions and have a "chat" with Mrs Pettigrew.
She is always accompanied on these trips by either Tweedledum or Tweedledee.
SHANNON JONES (DAUGHTER)
Shannon (earth name) is just under three hundred years old, which in Grey terms works out at about fourteen. She is very unhappy about being bought to earth, just as she was about to develop an interest in boys.
She spends most of her time in her room, watching music television, listening to CDs or experimenting on hamsters that she buys in bulk from a mail-order pet service. She is a huge Boyzone fan, posters of whom cover her room.
Her room is generally kept in a terrible mess, something which annoys her mother no end. Discarded clothes, empty CD cases and hamster corpses litter the carpet.
Shannon recently phoned the producers of a new trash talk show being made for a satellite TV channel. They would like her to appear in a show titled: "My father made me move 2000 light years because of his stupid job" and are sending a researcher to interview her.
Shannon is generally lonely. She will attempt to persuade the player characters to sit with her and watch television, or "chat" via a hand-held pad. If not watched carefully, she is prone to "escaping" and going for a walk.
TWEEDLEDUM & TWEEDLEDEE (PSYCHIC INTERPRETERS)
Tweedledum and Tweedledee are gay identical twins from California. They have highly developed telepathic abilities and are employed as interpreters for the Jones family. They dress in what might be termed a flamboyant fashion and have strong, piercing, American accents.
Unlike the Joneses, who have fitted in well, Tweedledum and Tweedledee are regarded with some distaste by the people of the village.
BASIL & SYBIL HAWTHORNE
The Hawthornes are the Jones' next door neighbours. Mr Hawthorne works at a merchant bank in the City of London, leaving each morning at seven to catch the train to London, and returning around twelve hours later.
Sybil Hawthorne (Basil's wife) is a neat, precise women who can be extremely snobbish to those she perceives as being of a lower class.
The Hawthornes get on well with Mr and Mrs Jones, regarding them as a quiet, respectable couple who keep themselves to themselves and are clearly of "the right class."
Moonbeam has a simple plan. He is going to video a UFO landing and prove the existence of extraterrestrials to a skeptical world. Then 5' 3" strawberry blonds will want to sleep with him.
He is 23 years old, but looks for all the world like some kind of time-traveller from the sixties. He has long, unkempt brown curly hair, and is generally dressed in torn T-shirt and flared jeans.
He is currently living in a battered VW van which he keeps parked in the middle of the Satan's Maidens stone circle. He believes (correctly) that UFOs use the stone circle as a landing beacon and aims to be there when they next land.
Moonbeam spends most of his time in the van, either reading through his extensive selection of UFO related literature, or watching X-Files videos on the van's small, portable setup. He occasionally goes down to the village, sometimes to pick up supplies from the village shop, sometimes to have a half of cider in the Bull & Goat.
Moonbeam is generally left alone by the villagers, being regarded as harmless enough, if somewhat strange and lacking in hygiene.
Moonbeam has one fatal flaw - a belief that people who make threats are nearly always bluffing. If ordered by a government agent to leave an area he is likely to make a reply along the lines of: "What are you going to do kill me? You'd never risk the bad publicity, and you know it!"
PETER GRIFFITHS (OWNER-MANAGER OF MUCH WENLOCK HOLIDAYS)
Peter Griffiths runs the travel agents (a shop that sells vacations) in the village. It is just a small business, employing himself and his wife, but he has dreams.
When Mr Jones (they became friendly over drinks at the Golf Club) mentioned that vivisection was a huge hobby on the homeworld, and that some rich greys hire spaceships and travel to planets like Earth for a spot of safari vivisection - Peter was immediately alert to the possibilities.
He wants Mr Jones to set him up with one of the homeworld's travel companies - with himself as their agent on Earth - to offer vivisection holidays to the homeworld's masses. He even has worked out a deal with his brother-in-law Joseph, who is a farmer. Joseph has a large BSE infected herd, good for nothing but the incinerator, and would be very happy for his farm to be used as a nighttime spot on the alien vacationer's tour (for a fee of course).
MR SHARMA (TAKE-AWAY RESTAURANT OWNER)
Mr Sharma runs the Tandoori Takeout take-away restaurant. He is a small, neat man, who is generally cheerful and upbeat.
DIVINDA "DIVVY" SHARMA (DELIVERY BOY)
Divinda is Mr Sharma's son. He sometimes works in the kitchen but is generally found driving around the district on his moped delivering curries.
The moped is an ancient blue Honda, with a large box on the back emblazoned with the Tandoori Takeout logo. You can usually find it by following the trail of smoke.
For the last few weeks, Divinda has been seeing a girl from Hounslow. She is afraid that her family will disapprove of the relationship because although he and she are of the same race, he is (according to her parents) of a lower social position than her.
(And he is a year younger than her and an inch shorter, something which is apparently unacceptable to her parent's community).
MR SANDHU (RESTAURANT OWNER)
Mr Sandhu runs the Taj Mahal restaurant in the High Street. He attempts to run a higher-class establishment than the standard high street "Indian" restaurant. Because of this he has two principals which he will never compromise (unless he is threatened with firearms, in which case he might possibly relent):
He creates delicately, spiced, authentic Indian dishes. He DOES NOT make red-hot, sphincter destroying curries.
He does not do take-aways. You eat in his restaurant, off a plate, or you do not eat at all.
MRS PETTIGREW (SHOP OWNER)
Mrs Pettigrew is an elderly lady who has run the village shop for more than forty years. She likes Mrs Jones, but will admit under firm questioning that there is something a little "strange" about her.
JENNY SIMPSON (TV RESEARCHER)
Jenny is twenty-one and just out of a media studies course at Thames Valley University. She is desperate to break into television and has managed to get a temporary job, on incredibly poor money, at Channel XJ, a new satellite channel that is to begin broadcasting later in the year.
Channel XJ will transmit a mix of what it calls quality, people-centred television, but what most people would call crap. It is of course, totally unknown to everyone outside the television industry. The show that Jenny has been assigned to is called "People!".
Jenny will see Shannon as her big break. Of course, being one, stupid, and two, obsessed with People!, she is seeing Shannon purely in terms of being a great guest for a trash talk show. It will totally fail to occur to her that maybe, just maybe, the fact that an extraterrestrial is living with his family in a small village in Berkshire might actually be the biggest news story since the crucifixion.
Of course though, if she talks to someone else...
PAT & LORRAINE O'HARA
Pat and Lorraine run the transport cafe (Pat's Cafe). Pat is a large genial Irishman, although he can get angry if severely provoked.
Lorraine is a small, but fierce women, who has been known to assault Pat with a rolling pin when he has criticised her pies. (Hell, she's been known to assault customers for the same reason).
MRS OLIVE DAWSON
Every village has a mad women who talks to logs, and Much Wenlock's is Mrs Dawson. In between wandering unkempt and confused down the village High Street she finds time to serve as Chairwomen of the Much Wenlock Conservative Association (the local branch of the Conservative Party) and is highly active in the Women's Guild.
Mrs Dawson is liable to collar anyone acting in any way strangely and give them "a piece of her mind!"
This is Mr and Mrs Jones' home. It is a medium-sized detached house set beside the main road just outside of Much Wenlock.
Plan of The Oaks (Lower Floor)
Plan of The Oaks (Upper Floor)
The Satan's Maidens are a group of stones arranged in a stone circle, some distance outside the village and near to Pat's Cafe. Local legend has it that they were once village women who had gone there to have a good time, and were turned to stone by the big G, for, well, having too good a time.
In actual fact, the stone circle forms part of a ley-line navigation system installed aeons ago by the Greys. This network is so sophisticated that crews can pilot UFOs in whilst hammered out of their skulls - and in fact frequently do.
The UFOs usually set down just adjacent to the circle. The grass in this area is usually slightly browned and crushed.
Map of the Satan's Maidens area
MOONBEAM'S VW VAN
According to its number (license) plate Moonbeam's van is only 15 years old, although most observers would conclude that the plate was lying. It is a kind of white, cream, brown colour with long streaks of rust.
Inside, the van is littered with books, files, newspaper clippings, videos, cameras and camcorder equipment. A poster of Gillian Anderson is taped to the wardrobe door.
Scattered around the back of van are spare gas bottles (about two feet high and six inches in diameter) for the van's cooker and heater.
On the day of the scenario, Moonbeam will sleep in until around mid-day. He will spend the afternoon in his van and then for the evening take up a hidden location in the bushes around the circle with his camcorder.
If the player characters get rough with Moonbeam he will attempt to run for help to Pat's Cafe, screaming his head off all the way.
See Pat & Lorraine O'Hara.
Pat's cafe is a transport cafe situated a short way out of the village on the main road. It is a greasy spoon type of establishment that exists mainly to feed lorry (truck) drivers. Its owner is Pat O'Hara, who serves as cook, cashier and bouncer. His wife, Lorraine, serves as waitress.
No-one, alas, serves as cleaner.
The Cafe is open from six in the morning to eleven at night and serves a basic menu of items:
Soft Drinks (in cans from the fridge)
All items come with lashings of cooking oil.
Any characters eating at Pat's Cafe should make some kind of Health roll to avoid ill effects. Characters failing the roll can suffer any (or all if you're a sadist) of the following ill effects:
Pat's Cafe is set some distance from the road, in the middle of a large dirt enclosure that serves as a parking area for the trucks. The parking area is heavily pitted with huge rut marks.
The dining area is a rough rectangle with a counter at the far end. The cooking area is on the far wall behind the counter (fully visible to the customers).
There are a number of formica tables, each with four chairs bolted to the floor. Each dining place has a knife and fork chained to the table (set for a right-handed person, with the knife on the right and the fork on the left).
The small ladies toilet is in reasonable condition, but the men's is a disgrace. It has two urinals and a wash basin, but no actual toilet, so if you're needing to take a shit you're out of luck. It is impossible to get closer than a couple of feet to the urinals without stepping in puddles that aren't water.
A little way beyond the Cafe is the Satan's Maidens stone circle.
Idea: If a player character performs any act of kindness or politeness towards Pat or Lorraine, they are so overcome with gratitude that they absolutely insist on giving the character a free meal (the full breakfast with everything). Then have the poor bastard make a Save Vs Shits. (P.S. The nearest clothes stores are ten miles away in the nearest big town).
Mad Idea: Have a large heavy goods vehicle (truck) lose control in the car park and hurtle straight through the cafe. Only do this if the scenario has stalled, really badly.
See Mr Sandhu.
The Taj Mahal is an elegant establishment, with a subtle decor and high-quality fixtures and fittings. The food is aromatic and delicately spiced and of the highest quality.
THE BULL & GOAT
The Bull & Goat was built almost three hundred years ago, but its ancient interior was gutted in the sixties and remodelled, hideously. The first-time visitor is presented with an array of plastic fixgtures and loud, flashing fruit machines (gambling arcade games).
It will generally contain a small number of customers, most of whom are elderly, all of whom are hostile to "foreigners". The beer is of appalling quality, the food little better.
A coin operated pool table stands in the corner. However, it is placed on a slope, rendering play almost impossible (all the balls end up resting against the left hand cushion). Refunds are not given.
There is no landlord at the moment. Instead, the brewery that owns the pub have supplied a succession of temporary managers to run the establishment.
Idea: If the player characters cause any kind of scene, have one of the drunken customers pick a fight with them. The hourly wage slave landlord will make no attempt to intervene (he'll probably try to pretend he isn't noticing everything, especially if things turn violent).
See Mr Sharma.
The Takeout serves what white English people term "Indian food" but Asian English people term "the crap the white guys insist we cook them".
It serves a wide-selection of items, most of which are red-hot curries which could also be pressed into service as paint stripper.
Custom is generally quiet until closing time at the Bull & Goat, when a stream of young drunken men descend upon Mr Sharma demanding what might be termed "performance curries".
Unlike the Taj Mahal, the Takeout operates a "Dial-A-Curry" service to all locations within a five mile radius. (You dial in your order and it is delivered about 45 minutes later by Divvy Sharma on a moped).
Idea: If the player characters visit the Takeout (before it is torched) have a drunken racist start to aggressively complain to Mr Sharma about some supposed deficiency in the food he has just received and see if the player characters lift a finger to stop him.
See Mrs Pettigrew.
The village shop consists of a small dark room with a counter near the doorway and a single rack of shelving down the middle (with additional shelves on the walls).
The shop stocks a wide variety of goods from food and basic household items to newspapers and magazines. Many of the items are a long way past their sell-by dates. The worst offender is a packet of biscuits whose wrapper has an offer for you to send in and get a royal wedding souvenir mug (it has a picture of Prince Charles and Lady Diana on it... you work out the date).
Every shop owner has to make a fundamental moral decision as to whether to stock pornography magazines. Mrs Pettigrew has made a compromise. She does stock them, quite an extensive selection in fact, but gives a verbal roasting to any "sick degenerate" unwise enough to purchase one.
In face, any male under the age of fifty who spends more than twenty seconds browsing at the magazine rack is in danger of being denounced as a "filthy pervert!".
Mrs Pettigrew accepts cash only and gives no credit. Except to people she knows - like Mrs Jones.
MUCH WENLOCK HOLIDAYS
See Peter Griffiths.
A small, seedy shop with tattered photographs on the wall displaying couples in seventies fashions on golden beaches. One poster offers cruises down the "historic Danube" from Vienna to Belgrade. Another advertises holidays in the Soviet Union.
Tasks / Objectives
Note: The descriptions below are merely a summary. They are explained in more detail elsewhere in this document.
Obviously, the player characters do not start out knowing all these objectives. They know only what they were told in their briefing. The other objectives will become clear if they bother to ask questions and poke around.
Moonbeam must not be allowed to video the landing. Ideally he should not be allowed to see the landing at all.
DELIVERING THE CARD TABLE
The card table must be delivered, intact, to the house in time for the game. This will involve meeting the UFO when it lands and supplying them with lager and curry.
PREVENTING JENNY SIMPSON FROM TALKING TO SHANNON
Ideally Jenny will be prevented from talking to Shannon in such a way that she will conclude there is no story. At a minimum she must be prevented from meeting with Shannon, or if she does, prevented from talking to anyone else.
(Yes alright, the scenario should probably be called "Kill The Hippy & The Bimbo TV Researcher" but what kind of name is that?)
STOPPING THE ARMED ROBBERS
At 21:58 a group of armed robbers break into the house. They have no idea who lives there, or what is happening that evening. They just figure it's a big house with people living in it. Their intention is simply to grab a load of valuable items and leave.
They have no particular desire to hurt anyone, but will use whatever violence is necessary to get away. They are armed with sawn-off shotguns and cricket bats.
Needless to say, if the robbers get into the card room and beat the shit out of Mr Jones and his guests, the players have FAILED the scenario.
HOODWINKING THE TV DETECTOR MEN
Mr Jones has no TV license and if the detector men find his TVs they will fine him £1000. (See below for more details).
The whole scenario takes place on a Summer Saturday.
15:11 Four black XR3i cars (a budget "sports" model) pull up outside the Tandoori Takeout. A large number of Asian (e.g. people whose ethnic origin is in of the Indian sub-continent) youths get out and enter.
15:12 The large number of Asian youths leave the Tandoori Takeout, not holding any food, get in their cars, and drive away.
15:13 Flame begins flickering from the upstairs windows of the Tandoori Takeout. A large crowd gathers to watch. This includes a distraught Mr Sharma, but not Divinda (who is, at this moment, in Hounslow, engaging in precisely the kind of activity that just got his Dad's livelihood fire-bombed).
15:20 A fire engine arrives and puts out the fire. The damage to the Tandoori Takeout is extensive, and will require weeks, if not months, to put right.
18:00 Scheduled arrival time for the UFO landing at Satan's Maidens.
18:21 UFO swoops lazily over the surrounding trees and settles down beside the circle.
19:07 Jenny Simpson arrives (7 minutes late) for her interview with Shannon. Shannon will (if no-one stops her) answer the door and show Jenny up to her room.
19:37 Sir Basil Humphries arrives.
19:39 Peter Griffiths arrives.
20:00 The game is supposed to start.
20:24 Charlie Wilson lands his personal helicopter in the back garden, crushing one of Mrs Jones flower beds.
20:25 Mrs Jones causes a "scene" (unless the PCs intervene) by rushing over to confront Wilson about the flower bed.
21:58 A group of armed robbers, led by Barry the Bastard arrive, all wearing novelty John Major masks (he was Prime Minister a few years back, when Barry bought the masks, but the way he figures it: "I only wear them a few times a year, so why waste money buying new ones?").
22:15 A TV license detector van stops outside and its personnel knock on the door.
The UFO Landing
The UFO is a rounded saucer, about 30 metres across and 10 metres thick at the centre. It has a white metallic skin, with a metallic sheen and no visible external markings. It stands 8 metres clear of the ground on three telescopic legs.
It has no apparent means of flight (it uses a grav-repulsion system). This means that there is no rocket blast (although the grass does get a bit flattened).
Any players tapping or touching the legs or any portion of the saucer will be told by the crew to: "stop touching our fucking spaceship."
The crew are greys, about three feet tall and dressed in shiny, silver jumpsuits. They can communicate with the player characters via small hand-held translation devices which are preprogrammed to speak a number of phrases in English. They can also enter messages in their own language "on the fly" which it then speaks in English. However, they generally can't be bothered to do this (unless some moron is kicking the legs of their spaceship).
There are a total of 10 crew members, all male (they're a bit sexist). They are the Captain, First Officer, Doctor, Navigator, Cook and 5 general hands.
THE CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE THIRD KIND
Immediately the saucer lands, an oval shaped opening appears on one side and a thin ramp extends (with no signs of joins or mechanisms) down to the ground. Two greys (the First Officer and the Navigator as it happens) quickly walk down the ramp. Assuming that there is someone there to meet them they will immediately hold up their translation devices which will say the following preprogrammed phrase:
"Curry. Lager. Curry. Lager. Curry. Lager."
If handed the curry and lager, they will turn straight round and walk back up the ramp. The ramp will be retracted and the oval opening will close.
They will then sample the curry and lager.
This will take around two minutes. When they have finished sampling an opening will appear at the very base of the saucer (this is the cargo hatch).
The UFO crews like their curry very spicy and gut-roastingly hot. Their preference is for Chicken Vindaloos, but they will accept other alternatives (as long as they are hot). Delicately spiced, authentic Indian cuisine will NOT be to their liking.
Most lagers will be acceptable, but they prefer continental European ones.
American lagers are NOT acceptable.
Cargo items are unloaded via another opening which appears at the very bottom of the saucer. A grav-beam can be used to levitate items within the cargo-hold, float them over to the opening, then gently lower them to the ground below.
If there was someone to meet them, and they supplied curry and lager that were deemed acceptable, the UFO crew will use the grav-beam to gently lower the card-table to the ground.
Alternatively, they will just chuck the table out of the hatch and let it fall the 8 metres to the ground. If this happens the table will be pitted and scratched by the stones on the ground, and covered in mud and earth.
Then they will take off.
THE CARD TABLE
The card table is a circle, just under two metres in diameter, made of an exotic marble-like stone that is not found on Earth. It is fairly heavy but a reasonably good van ought to be able to cope with it.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THE PLAYER CHARACTERS ARE REALLY STUPID AND START SOME TROUBLE?
If the player characters attempt to resort to any sort of violence you only really have to remember two things to determine what will happen:
1) Each Grey is equipped with an awesomely powerful personal weapon concealed in the forearm of his jumpsuit. This can be set to stun, wound or disintegrate. From within the saucer a grav beam can be projected to "grab" persons outside and lift them up into the saucer.
2) Vivisection is the most popular pastime on the Grey home world.
3) As far as the Greys are concerned, the only difference between a human being and a hamster is that a human being can say really cool things like: "please stop you're hurting me!"
Basically, any characters who are really stupid are likely to find their "close encounter of the third kind" being transformed into a "close encounter of the fourth kind involving anal probes".
The Card Game
Mr Jones is very keen for the evening to be a success. He has invited the following people:
Mr Hawthorne, his next-door neighbour.
Sir Basil Humphries, the boss of MI5 (the Security Service).
Charlie Wilson, Chief Cultural Attache at the US Embassy (e.g. the head of the CIA in the United Kingdom).
Peter Griffiths, the owner-manager of Much Wenlock Holidays
The five men are playing poker for reasonably large stakes of money. The player characters, in addition to protecting them from armed robbers, TV researchers, hippies and possible Venusian death-squads, will be required to keep them supplied with food and drink (supervised by Mrs Jones).
Any characters lingering too long may be press-ganged into joining the game.
The game is taking place in the games room (unless the card table was so smashed to shit that it was unusable, in which case it will take place in the dining room).
Tweedledum & Tweedledee will be on rotating duty, one in the games room with Mr Jones, and one in the Kitchen with Mrs Jones.
The Armed Robbery
Barry the Bastard, contrary to what his name suggests, is not a cruel man. He is, however, capable of acts of stunning brutality to those who defy him. The robbers aim is simple. Get in. Find everyone in the house and tie them up, perhaps giving them a little slap if they seem a bit too alert. Then they will ransack the whole house for valuables before leaving.
The robbers (four men plus Barry) arrived in a white van which they parked neatly in the driveway before smashing the door down with sledgehammers. They will leave in the same van.
The TV License Detector Van
Note for non-Britons: In Britain we have an official non-commercial broadcasting organisation called the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation). They broadcast a number of television and radio channels. They are not funded directly by the government, since it is felt this would remove their political impartiality. Instead everyone who has one or more television sets in their home has to get an annual TV license (costing about £90).
To enforce this, the agency that collects the licenses sends detection vans driving around which can detect if there is a TV switched on in a particular house. If according to the records those people don't have a license, they then knock on the door.
(To be honest I'm not totally sure what happens next, but from talking to a former student who experienced this, I believe it involves twenty seconds of sheer terror and attempts to force the television inside the oven, followed by about sixty seconds of attempts to make casual small-talk).
Unfortunately on this occasion Mrs Jones has forgotten to pay the license. Shannon's TV is usually permanently switched on, so unless for some reason every TV has been switched off, the detector men will knock and ask to gain access (which they have a legal right to). They are very persistent and will not be easily dissuaded.
There are a total of four televisions in the house (Shannon's Bedroom, Mr and Mrs Jones' Bedroom, the Kitchen and the Living Room), two Video Recorders (Shannon's Bedroom and in the Living Room) and a total of 25 video tapes evenly distributed between Shannon's bedroom and the Living Room. The tapes in Shannon's bedroom are scattered across the floor, but the ones in the Living Room are neatly arranged.
In addition Mr Jones has a stash of vet's (animal doctor) training videos in a box under his bed.
If the detector men find any evidence of televisions they will serve Mr Jones with a notice informing him that he is to be fined £1000. He will of course be totally humiliated in front of his guests.
That's all folks! You can improvise the rest. Have fun.
Copyright © 1999 Critical Miss Gaming Society