The Bullshitting Ouija Board

Description The item is a disk around two and a half feet in diameter and constructed of a fine dark wood. It is intricately carved with various runes around the rim. The polished upper surface is smooth apart from a band around the circumference. This band contains the twenty-six letters of the alphabet, arrayed in a circle (like the numbers on a clock face). A golden chain is fixed to the centre point of the disk. At the other end of the chain is a heavy silver cup. Anyone casting some kind of magical detection spell will find that the item is HEAVILY magical. It is highly resistant to damage and will not corrode or rot. Where The Characters Will Find It The characters will probably find the item abandoned, perhaps in a storeroom in a dungeon, perhaps at the bottom of a lake. (Alternatively someone might try to sell it to them, or they might find someone offering to allow them to use it). What The Characters Ought To Think Upon Finding It "Aha, a ouija board. Let's use it to talk to the dead right now and ask them where the treasure is / how to get out of the dungeon / what I have to say to make the cleric sleep with me." What It Actually Is (History) The item is a very powerful magic item, albeit one with limited usefulness. However, it is not a ouija board. It was created more than 2000 years ago by a court magician to amuse and please his emperor. The finest craftsman in the land hand-built the item to his exact specifications. He then cast enchantments on it to give it the following powers: Intelligence: In human terms it rates as slightly above average in terms of brains and cunning, though with a very good memory). Telekinesis on the cup: It can cause the cup to glide about its upper surface, with enough force to overcome several people resting their fingers on it. Hearing: It can hear things being said in its vicinity (it has the same hearing as a standard human being). NOTE:- It has absolutely no power to talk to the dead at all, nor does it enhance anyone else's ability to talk to the dead. If you're a medium then you may as well go off to the toilet and commune with your ancestors from there - because this baby ain't gunna help you. At first the emperor was highly amused by his new "toy" using it to fool guests that they were really talking to their ancestors. He would brief the board beforehand with information about the visitors, and the board would attempt to give plausible answers to the questions asked. Eventually though, the emperor grew bored and abandoned his new toy in a storeroom. The board has gone through several owners since then, and been abandoned each time. What Will Happen If The Characters Find It By time it is found, the board is VERY lonely. It craves human comfort and will do anything to ensure that it is not left alone again. If the characters attempt to use it as a ouija board it will attempt to convince them that a ouija board is exactly what it is. In short, it will bullshit. If the players try to get into contact with their uncle Fred, it will attempt to convince them that they are talking to Fred. It will listen to everything they say in order to construct the most plausible answers. Remember that since it is spelling out its answers by moving from letter to letter, it can get away with very short cryptic answers. "Are you there, Uncle Fred?" Y... E... S... "Is Auntie Sally with you?" Y... E... S... "There's a hole in the ground we've got to. Some wizard reckons there's loads of treasure down there, but the others think it's probably full of traps and monsters and stuff. What should we do?" B... E... C... A... R... E... F... U... L... L... D... A... N... G... E... R... L... U... R... K... S... For a little while it might even get away with it, making vague statements and supplying common-sense answers. But eventually they'll suss it. What They Can Do Then It could actually be quite useful. It would be a good prop if they wanted to set themselves up as a fake medium. It is a nice novelty item after all. Or they could find some mug to flog it to. Summary This is a good item to add some humour to an otherwise serious campaign. It can add a few laughs, but without destroying the realism of the setting. Hope your players like it.

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