Why RPG Characters Are Like Real-World Women

The Point RPG characters don't shit. So what? you're probably thinking. Well aside from the comic possibilities of the 15th level barbarian being surprised by an orc whilst squatting in the forest with his trousers around his ankles - fair enough, so what? But let's look at the list of other things that RPG characters don't tend to do. They don't read paperback novels. They don't watch TV. They don't surf porn on the net. They don't get depressed or miserable. They sure as hell don't sit around, too apathetic to do anything. And let's look at thing things they do tend to do: If in a dangerous situation they will run and fight as far as they possibly can. They will never just say "I'm too tired to bother." They will spend their whole lives endlessly, tirelessly searching for treasure and glory. If they have any spare time they will spend it studying to improve their skills. If they have a choice between sleeping in a stable for free and paying money to rent a hotel room, they'll take the stable and use the money saved to purchase useful equipment. If an RPG character was a batsman he'd be Geoff Boycott, not David Gower. Explanation for non-English readers: Two famous English cricketers. Boycott didn't have much natural talent but by dint of hard work and constant practice became a great batsman (although his slow, methodical style of play was quite boring to watch). Gower had huge natural talent, and played in a risky, cavalier style that was highly entertaining to watch. He also seemed to have a great time, once being highly censured for leaving an England Vs Australia match where he was playing - whilst the game was still going on - hiring a tiger moth aircraft and buzzing the ground where the game was taking place. Boycott would probably have asked how buzzing the ground in an antique aircraft helped you become a better cricketer. So it seems to me that when we say we're roleplaying rounded human characters, we're not. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe your characters spend their time hanging around in grotty flats, scratching their nuts, flicking bogies, watching bad daytime television and engaging in pointless, meaningless sex. But now that I think about it... Perhaps it's best that RPG characters never take a shit.

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