Critical Miss: Issue 6 (The Bastard GM's Handbook)

The Bastard GM's Handbook

How GamesMastering Can Help

GamesMastering allows you to experience the sensation of wielding the power of life and death in a simulated form that won't get you arrested. You are the god of your little universe.

You can be a New Testament god: a wise and loving father gently guiding his offspring towards a better future.

Or you can be an Old Testament god: a Victorian Dad throwing thunderbolts to enforce discipline and loyalty amongst unruly children.

Tip:- If you want take out your frustrations, Old Testament is definitely the way to go.

And the beauty of it all is that your players will let you do it to them. *

Because they want a tough, honest struggle against challenging odds.

* For a while. Eventually, they'll figure out you're a psycho, but then nothing lasts forever, and you can always find other gaming groups.

Roll Your Dice Behind A Screen... And Lie

An obvious one, so I'll get it out of the way. Most GMs generally roll dice behind a screen, so that players can't see the "mechanism" in action. Players usually assume that if the GM ever fudges a roll, it will be for the benefit of the players, to save them from unfair or arbitrary deaths.

(This is the old "I only kill a player character if they screwed up and deserve it" theory).

The key thing here is to explain to the players beforehand that you believe that reality must be absolute for the game to have any meaning - and that you therefore will never fudge a dice roll to cheat on behalf of the players.

And practice saying: "sorry, [whoever], the orc just rolled a natural 20 to hit..." with a straight face.

Understand The Rules Of Resurrection

In fantasy genres, spells or rites of resurrection and reincarnation { roger1.html } are often used and abused by weak-willed GMs to allow players to escape the consequences of their actions.

Don't let them. Read the rules, and when players attempt such an action, apply them rigidly and harshly.

"You mean I've gone from being a six foot tall berserker to a fucking duck? Well I'm telling that bastard priest to have another go, right here, right now!"

"The priest doesn't understand. He isn't as fluent in *quack* as you are!"

(Actually, killing someone, allowing them to be raised as something pathetic and helpless, and then slaughtering them again can actually be much more fun than a straight dignified kill).

"What, you mean the guards who took us prisoner... are just gunna kill me?"

"Not just yet... they're still mixing the special herbs and spices."

Killer Traps

Traps are always a good method of ruthlessly imposing your reality upon the players. There are a couple of different approaches you can take here:

SUBTLE, WITH AN IMPLIED SOLUTION

This kind of trap is one that just triggers without the players realising why. They will of course assume that there was something they were supposed to notice or figure out, but didn't. Use lots of detail.

You walk forward into the chamber. The walls are lined with carvings of fantastic creatures and the floor consists of panels of polished marble. In the centre of the room is a golden alter, with a statue of a many headed serpent at the front. Suddenly, huge jets of flame erupt from several of the mouths of the creatures, completely engulfing the room with flame. Saving throws everyone?

The best thing here is to let the players themselves think up whatever it was that they had missed, in much the way as described in phase III of GMing With Nothing.

If they come up with a plausible explanation...

...the serpent has three heads, and in the ancient ka-ga-ree kult the serpent is a symbol of safety, so this means that only three people can enter the room safely. There are four of us so we triggered the trap...

...just nod knowingly, as if satisfied that they have teased out the solution to the problem you set them. (Actually you're smiling at the thought of their characters stumbling round horribly maimed).

It is vital that you give the impression that this was not an arbitrary killer trap, but that they screwed up by missing a clue.

OBVIOUSLY BASTARD

The best example of this kind of trap is one that I read about in an old '80s fanzine called Balrog Banter that I used to enjoy reading. (Actually, if anyone is in contact with any of the people who used to put it out, can they ask them to get in contact with me).

This trap consisted of a locked door, with a deep cylindrical hold cut into the wall beside it, with a button at the far end.

A gullible character, thinking that this was either the door bell or the open switch, would extend his arm into the hole (it was about four inches wide and two feet deep) and press the button. When he did this, a blade would instantly drop down, chopping his arm clean off.

Now admittedly, a character is unlikely to fall for this one, but think how cool it would be if they did. Their character would be crippled for life (no healing hit points on this one) and they would know it was through their own stupidity.

Just don't celebrate too obviously.

Note:- You have to use these sort of traps pretty sparingly, because other the players will start to wonder about your state of mind (and the fairness of your dungeons).

"Published" Scenarios

The problem with running a scenario filled with killer traps (and other generally bastard things) is that pretty soon players will start to get annoyed with your "killer" dungeons, and refuse to play.

You can delay this event by using published scenarios. Your players will be far more likely to accept unpleasant events occurring in a scenario, if the scenario was written by an impartial third-party.

Now of course, when we talk about "using" published scenarios, by "using" we refer to the practice of holding up your published scenario every now and then, glancing at it for a moment, muttering "mmmm" and then presenting your players with a scene totally out of your deranged imagination and which has absolutely nothing to do with whatever was contained within the book's pages.

TIP:- When pretending to read a scenario, make sure you are holding it the right way up. Nothing destroys credibility faster than pretending to read an upside down book.

Evocative Descriptions

Explain to the players - before you start play - that your GMing technique involves detailed descriptions of what is happening to their characters, so that they will feel that they are totally immersed in the reality of the scenario.

Then describe in detail the things they probably would rather just have glossed over.

For example, following on from the previous example:

"Ok Torven, you reach into the hole and press the *doorbell*", [suppress the snigger at this point]. "Make a save verses pain... failed..?"

You continue with the description.

"As Torven presses the button, a giant blade slams through his upper arm. He screams loudly, like a girl, and staggers back to reveal a bloody stump where his arm used to be. Still screaming he spins round and round, spraying a torrent of thick, clinging blood across each one of you."

"Torven, could you make a dexterity roll... failed..?"

Again, you continue with the description.

"By now, the tiled floor is running with Torven's blood, and as he spins round he slips on a pool of it. He crashes down on the tiled floor, crushing the contents of his backpack, including the dragon's egg that you came here to collect. Then Torven, you hear some squeaking, and from the left side of the room you see seven rats darting out from the broken furniture. Their whiskers twitch excitedly as they start to slurp the pooled blood."

We've talked about the things you can do with your scenario, so let's examine how you can operate on a more social level.

Social Engineering...