First Contact Checklist

This checklist should be followed whenever a starship under your command arrives in orbit about a previously unexplored planet. This checklist encapsulates several hundred man-years of command experience. Using this checklist will maximise the gains that your organisation will derive from the contact, and minimise the possibility of the whole thing going tits up, with consequent negative effects on your career path.

STEP 1: Orbital Check

Are there any spaceships, space stations or other artificial structures in orbit about the planet?

Yes - goto step 2

No - goto step 7

STEP 2: Establish Relative Capabilities

Is the other structure/ship bigger than your ship?

Yes - goto step 3

No - goto step 4

STEP 3: Continue Voyage

Set course for the next star system on your navigation plan. CHECKLIST COMPLETE.

STEP 4: Transmit Diplomatic Warning

Get the other ship on the helm and tell them to piss off (note:- your diplomacy / councilling officer may be able to suggest a better form of wording here).

They don't piss off - goto step 5

They piss off - goto step 7

STEP 5: Resist Aggressors

The other ship / structure is clearly hostile, leaving you with no option but to launch a full spread of photon / quantum / whateveryougot torpedoes.

The torpedoes bounce off the other ship's shields - goto step 3

The other ship blows up - goto step 6

STEP 6: Record Incident

Add an entry to the ship's log stating that you've destroyed some orbitting space debris which you felt might constitute a navigational hazard.

Goto step 7

STEP 7: Perform Planetary Scan

Perform a full sensors scan of the planet (note:- putting the ship into a polar orbit will aid in performing a complete scan - your helmsman should know what this is).

The planet has no ecosystem - goto step 8

The planet has an ecosystem - goto step 13

STEP 8: Mineral Resources Scan

You should now perform a detailed orbital scan mapping out the mineral resources the planet offers.

The planet has no mineral resources - goto step 9

The planet has some mineral resources (iron, copper, aluminium etc.) - goto step 10

The planet has huge mineral resources (diamonds, gold, platinum etc.) - goto step 11

STEP 9: Log Mineral Resources Data #A

You should add an entry to the ship's log stating that the planet has no significant mineral resources and that no follow-up is required.

Goto step 3

STEP 10: Log Mineral Resources Data #B

You should add an entry to the ship's log stating that the planet has some mineral resources, and recommending that a follow-up mining expedition be sent. You should also land a survey team to perform some on-planet surveys.

The survey team complete their survey - goto step 3

The survey team get killed / eaten / disappear - goto step 12

STEP 11: Add Personal Log Entry

Record the star system's galactic coordinates in an encrypted file in your personal data area.

Goto step 9

STEP 12: Additional Log Entry

Add a comment to the previous entry (recommending a mining survey) recommending that a squad of marines accompany the miners.

Goto step 3

STEP 13: Civilisation Level Scan

Perform an orbital scan to search for signs of civilisation on the planet's surface.

There are no signs of civilisation - goto step 14

There are signs of a primitive (pre-industrial) civilisation - goto step 26

There are signs of an advanced (industrial) civilisation - goto step 40

STEP 14: High-Order Lifeform Retrieval

You should now send down an expeditionary team to capture a member of what appears to be the most dominant and highest order lifeform. (Note:- dress them in green not red or they're stand out like turds on a billiard table and probably get themselves killed).

An example of the highest-order species is taken alive - goto step 15

An example of the highest-order species is retrieved, dead - goto step 16

STEP 15: Intelligence Determination (Actual)

Perform a galactic standard IQ test upon the retrieved individual.

It scores below 10 - goto step 17

It scores between 10 and 79 - goto step 18

It scores 80 or more - goto step 26

STEP 16: Intelligence Determination (Estimated)

Use a DNA sample from the corpse of the retrieved individual to construct a computerised simulation of the species, then perform a galactic standard IQ test upon the simulation.

Simulation scores below 10 - goto step 21

Simulation scores between 10 and 79 - goto step 20

Simulation scores 80 or more - goto step 19

STEP 17: Samplisation Of Retrieved Individual

Terminate (kill) the retrieved individual and divide corpse into standard analysis units.

Goto step 21

STEP 18: Return Of Captured Individual

The captured semi-sentient individual should be returned to the area where it was captured, preferable to the grouping it was with. NOTE:- assumptions as to the capability of the species (ability to fly for example) should not be relied upon when delivery is performed. An actual ground landing is advisable.

Goto step 8

STEP 19: Court-Martial

The crewman who murdered the sentient creature must, under galactic law, be tried for his crime, and then executed when found guilty. (Forced exit via a space-lock without the appropriate safety equipment is generally recommended as a safe and practical method).

Goto step 26

STEP 20: Official Reprimand

The crewman responsible for the termination of the semi-sentient creature should, under spaceflight regulations, have a reprimand placed in his record.

Goto step 8

STEP 21: Safety Analysis Of Flesh Sample

A sample of the creature's flesh should be tested for nutritional safety. The safest method (safest because a machine analysis is never 100% accurate) of doing this it to feed a sample to a crew-member - usually someone from security.

The crewmen is fine - goto step 24

The crewman vomits, goes into spasm, but ultimately lives - goto step 23

The crewman vomits, goes into spasm, then dies - goto step 22

STEP 22: Funeral Service

The deceased crewman should be given a funeral service as per spaceflight regulations etc. etc.

Goto step 23

STEP 23: Biosample Storage

The flesh samples should be placed into your ship's biosample storage area.

Goto step 8

STEP 24: Culinary Analysis Of Flesh Sample

You should now taste a flesh sample.

It tastes like shit - goto step 23

It tastes good - goto step 25

STEP 25: Lunch

Tell Chef to roast or fry the flesh with an appropriate sauce.

Goto step 8

STEP 26: Seeking First Contact

Land beside any town, settlement or grooming area which appears to be at least a regional headquarters, and wait for a leader to approach you.

No-one approaches - goto step 27

Someone approaches - goto step 28

STEP 27: First Contact Not Initiated

Find another town, dickhead.

Goto step 26

STEP 28: First Contact Initiated

Is the "leader" who has contacted you male or female?

Male - goto step 29

Female - goto step 30

Not sure - goto step 31

STEP 29: Treaty Negotiations

You should now attempt to negotiate a favourable treaty offering peace, friendship and resource transfer.

They accept the treaty - goto step 33

They decline the treaty - goto step 34

STEP 30: Attractiveness Determination #A

Is she pretty?

Yes - goto step 35

No - goto step 29

STEP 31: Determination Of Needs

Are you feeling horny?

Yes - goto step 32

No - goto step 29

STEP 32: Attractiveness Determination #B

Is it pretty?

Yes - goto step 35

No - goto step 29

STEP 33: Treaty Accepted

You should now make an initial transfer of technology to show faith in the process and encourage positive feelings in the native population. However, care must be taken to not cause cultural and economic dislocation by the transfer of too much, or too powerful, technology. Karaoke machines and shit with lights on it are usually a good bet.

Goto step 3

STEP 34: Treaty Declined

The world's government is clearly in the grip of hostile reactionary forces which must be defeated for the good of the subject population. You should launch a full spread of photon / quantum / whateveryougot torpedoes at a regional centre of government.

Goto step 36

STEP 35: Arrange Personal Negotiations

You should invite the leader to visit your personal quarters for a one-on-one negotiation session.

She accepts the invitation - goto step 37

She declines the invitation - goto step 36

STEP 36: Treaty Negotiations (By Diplomatic Team)

A diplomatic team, led by your First Officer, should now attempt to negotiate a favourable treaty offering peace, friendship and resource transfer.

They accept the treaty - goto step 33

They decline the treaty - goto step 34

STEP 37: Conduct Personal Negotiations

You should now suggest that relations between your two species would be enhanced by a deeper emotional understanding between their two leaders.

She's up for a shag - goto step 38

She's frigid - goto step 36

Sex between you and her turns out to be biologically impossible - goto step 39

STEP 38: Report Personal Negotiations

Following the shag you should go to the forward lounge / rest area and brag about the encounter to your senior command team. This will enhance your status as their commander.

Goto step 37

STEP 39: Full Medical Examination

You should visit the chief medical officer and request an immediate and full medical examination, focussing especially on the genital region.

Goto step 36

STEP 40: Estimate Planetary Wealth

Is the planet wealthy?

Yes - goto step 41

No - goto step 3

STEP 41: Analyse Government Type

What kind of government does the planet have?

Legitimate / Democratic - goto step 42

Corrupt - goto step 46

STEP 42: Negotiate Trade Treaty

You should now attempt to negotiate a treaty of co-operation and trade.

They accept - goto step 43

They decline - goto step 3

STEP 43: Sign Agreement

Sign the agreement. Add entry to ship's log recommending follow-up trade missions.

Goto to step 44

STEP 44: Analysis Of Sexual And Recreational Laws

You should now perform an analysis of the planet's legal code, particularly where it relates to sexual and drug-related recreation.

The laws are liberal - goto step 45

The laws are restrictive - goto step 3

STEP 45: Shore Leave

Order shore leave for all crew. Of course, as Captain, you should lead the first party.

Goto step 3

STEP 46: Analyse Relative Rates Of Pay

You should now compare the rates of pay of officers employed in equivalent positions in the planet's armed forces to your own rates of pay.

They pay more than you get - goto step 47

They pay about the same - goto step 48

They pay less than you get - goto step 42

STEP 47: Defect

You should defect, taking your starship with you if possible, to the armed forces of the planet. CHECKLIST COMPLETE.

STEP 48: Compare Uniforms

Are their uniforms better looking than yours?

Yes - goto step 47

No - goto step 42

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