Critical Miss: Issue 4 (Role-Playing In The Land Of Oz)

Role-Playing In The Land Of Oz

Geography

Australia is not a small country. It has roughly the land area of the United States, much of which is arid desert or near-arid scrub. The more verdant south-west corner (southern Western Australia.) and most of the eastern states (Queensland., eastern New South Wales, Victoria and Tasmania) are the most densely populated areas, with big cities, and lots of small towns separated by farms.

Australian farms are noted for their cattle and most particularly their sheep - we are a big lamb and wool exporter. The largest farms, called stations, are in the more remote areas and may be thousands of square kilometres in size, and driving along the fence looking for breaks in the wire can take weeks. The Aum Supreme Truth sect took advantage of our large, lonely sheep country to buy a farm so they could test sarin on some sheep.

Travel between remote country areas is usually by bus or car, though major cities and mining centres are linked by rail. Freight transport in the outback is accomplished by road trains - semi-trailers hauling from three to six full-sized trailers. Emergency medical assistance can be had from the Flying Doctor Service in light aircraft.

Most of the remote country towns exist only to support the local farms and miners. A large proportion of central and northern Australia comprises regions controlled by Aboriginal tribes, and may require special permits to enter.

The big, empty areas of the outback are usually hot and dry. They have killed a lot of people, many of whom are never found, and those that are may not be found until weeks after their deaths. Similarly there are long stretches of completely empty coastline, uninhabited and unwatched except for occasional coastal surveillance planes belonging to Customs.

The two largest cities are Sydney and Melbourne, so naturally they are rivals for investment and to host big events - like the Olympics. Comedians in each city take the piss out of the other. They were rivals for the site of the nation's capital too, and neither would give in, so Canberra was built part way between the two in a pleasant rural setting. For this reason Canberra is less than 1/3 the size of either older city, is very spacious and neat (because it was planned before it was built, instead of the other way around) and retains the atmosphere of a large country town.

Travelling from one side of the country is lengthy and expensive. By car it can take 35 hours assuming you stick to the speed limits, stay on the highways and don't die in your sleep. A return ticket from Perth in the far west to Sydney in the east goes for about A$1300.

We drive on the left hand side of the road like all sensible people.

Wildlife

Probably the biggest misconception about Australia is: that every house has three kids and a kangaroo in it. Kangaroos do not live in our backyards and bound along the street. Not in the city anyway, though they are common enough on country roads where they can be a menace to driving, particularly at sunrise and sunset. Like most of our wildlife they are protected; only certain kinds of ducks can be hunted (in season and it's a pretty prickly issue) as well as of course feral animals.

Feral animals are quite a problem - cane toads in Queensland, water buffalo in the Northern Territory, wild pigs, dogs and cats in the eastern states, goats, horses and even camels in central Australia, all busily buggering up the local ecology. Hunting has a much more serious obstacle than game availability - see Laws, below. Most of the surviving wildlife in Australia is either small or herbivorous, which may be because humans came here about 40 thousand years ago and took a dim view of being eaten by marsupial lions and such. So what is left does not compete well with wild dogs and cats.

We have a good variety of venomous spiders, snakes, cone shells, jellyfish and whatnot, along with salt-water crocodiles in the northern rivers and sharks hanging around the beaches. Swimming is pretty safe if you PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS. As a child, I couldn't understand how these tourists would regularly get chomped on by big scaly uglies in lovely rivers just a few meters from a sign saying NO SWIMMING - DANGER CROCODILES. Or box jellyfish. Whatever.

Apart from sharks, most of the beach bities are restricted to the far north. A surprisingly large number of people choose to swim on the relatively safe southern beaches far from the marker flags set out by lifeguards, and are then swept to their deaths by rip currents. Evolution in action, here.

Lastly, for any foreign servicemen who've trained in Australia, I say this: there is NO SUCH THING as a "Drop-Bear". This frightening natural phenomenon, according to straight-faced local legend, is one of the deadliest predators known to gullible man. Bullshit. Like most places, the only real killers in Australia are the environment and one species that goes on two legs.

People & Laws...