Critical Miss: Issue 5 (Ask Doctor Bubba)

Ask Doctor Bubba

Hi Dr Bubba;

what are your thoughts on Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition. I hear theres no limit on what class and levels you play! What will happen to 15th level human fighters everywhere?

Waspslayer

Erm... won't they still be 15th level human fighters?

Now we've got the roleplaying shit out of the way let's go onto a more interesting question involving women.

Dr Bubba

(I don't suppose you have credentials to support the appelation "Dr"?)

You fucking asking?

I have been running a more-or-less successful campaign for more than 10 years. Almost all of my players are old friends.

Let's just assume for the moment that we believe you about the 10 years. (We don't, but let's just assume we do).

One of my players is an ex-girlfriend of mine, now married, and another player is her husband, whom she introduced to us and to the game.

Another of the players is my present girlfriend, whom I introduced to the group and the game. Until I introduced her, my ex was the only female player in the group.

Let me guess the problem. If I was you, I'd want to shag my girlfriend, I'd want to shag my ex-girlfriend, I'd feel guilty about wanting to shag my ex-girlfriend. I'd be worried that my girlfriend would sense that I still wanted to shag my ex-girlfriend. I would want to punch my ex-girlfriend's husband in the face. I'd feel bad about wanting to punch the husband in the face. I'd be worried that either or both of my girlfriend and ex-girlfriend might sense that I wanted to punch the husband in the face. But I wouldn't be worried about the husband sensing that I wanted to punch him in the face, because then he might get angry, which would give me an excuse to punch him in the face. Unless he was bigger than me, in which case I would be worried. But not guilty.

The problem is my ex and my girlfriend don't get along.

Is that all? And why in the name of God did you think they would? I'm still in shock here that the husband can handle playing a character for a gamesmaster who once shagged his wife!

I haven't noticed it myself, but my girlfriend (and some of the other players) tell me that my ex is very rude to my girlfriend during game sessions. I shouldn't think it's jealousy, since she's married, and more likely it's pique at no longer being the only woman on the team (and thus reaping all the benefits in terms of attention).

Moreover, my ex and her husband are religious. Very religious.

So did you not get to shag her then?

So religious, in fact, that while it doesn't seem to bug them to exterminate whole species and sell their possessions, they don't want to explore religion in the game. This is problematic as my ex plays a high priestess in a religion which is benevolent except for the odd human sacrifice.

She doesn't want to explore religion... but she plays a high priestess? Sorry, I'm dramatically failing to understand this entire situation.

However, she and her husband are nice people. Also, she's one of my oldest friends. My girlfriend tells me I let her get away with murder because I still fancy her, and there is some truth in that.

So you do want to shag her! Great, you're starting to come back to my level of understanding.

Why am I going on about all this? Well, the division in the group has become severe, and is crippling everyone's enjoyment of the game. I don't want to just drop the campaign, and not all my players are siding against my ex, but if I don't change something either the game will end or I will find myself without my girlfriend. How can I resolve this dilemma?

Dazed and Confused

For a start, I think you have three main priorities:

1) Don't lose the girlfriend.

2) Don't lose the girlfriend.

3) Don't lose the girlfriend.

I can't stress this whole "Don't lose the girlfriend thing" highly enough. I mean, bloody hell man, having a girlfriend puts you above about 80% of the roleplaying world.

I think basically this is a situation which ain't going to easily resolve. Basically this is a puzzle with too many pieces, and you're just going to have to get rid of one of them.

Personally, I'd lose the woman I WASN'T sleeping with.

Hope this helps.

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